I want to be around young people and other artists so bad, But I know the anxiety of it would get to me. I talked to my dad about social anxiety and he told me the only way to get over it is to put yourself out there and to shut off my screens… He is right that all you have to do is walk away. I feel stupid for telling him that it’s different and that really, I don’t know if everyone else is locked into social media and I feel I need too be too. He made me think that maybe it’s just me who is the one terminally online.

I’ll be honest I have been feeling good about myself and unencumbered by self consciousness ever since I got back from the Marcus G Langseth. My decision to leave felt like the right choice for my safety and the timing of life — it was mine alone even if it seemed like a bad idea to others. I feel good about myself not relying on someone to make that decision for me and it turned out to be the right one. That alone has made me feel more confident and given me a feeling of agency in my life.

I feel strange now because I am no longer in school and I am starting a new career. There is no one to tell me what to do and coping with freedom is heavy. I feel very responsible for my life now which is exhilarating and frightening. But right now, When I think of something that I want to do however small or big, I weigh whether I should do it based on obligation to my parents, Siblings, and my few close friends.

Understanding that I can do whatever I want and actually doing it is difficult grasp, especially now that I have some money, free time, and next to no possessions. My creativity for what is possible in my life feels about as big as my prior circumstances (poor) and in the life of the longhouse of PDX…

There is really only one thing I learned at art school and that is you can do whatever it is you want. It took me three years to figure out that you can’t find permission in what to make or do in other people always. that is the great thing about art, it can be whacky, serious, profitable, vulgar, etc. whatever you want. And all that is an allegory for your life. You can do whatever you want but you are responsible for it.

This to me seems so obvious to other people, and I get on myself a lot for always asking permission literally and metaphorically.

But there is no reason to be afraid. I can feel myself dialing down on the anxiety of instability, Like when you’re super cold, finally get the blankets on and begin to shake less and less, Still slightly hollow empty and tense but getting warmer.

My Dad told me that when he was my age he struggled a lot with self worth because he had no money and was dating seven women. He told me that if I’m ever feeling bad about myself, to look in the mirror for a long time and tell myself otherwise.

I am impressed by people who can be funny on the internet with their own words.